Making our online communities safe from one-upmanship

When we're chronically ill we often feel that we're caught up in a tornado of chaos. No matter how long our disease process has been a part of our lives, part of us just simply can't believe everything we've been through. Our lives are a circus - full of craziness, chaos, and unbelievable occurrences. We want to share that part of our experience, often because we want to know we're not alone, or because we want to feel validated. Sometimes just because it's an incredible story and we're simply in disbelief ourselves. Many times this happens because those who are seeking online communities are the most sick and in need of the most help.

But what does this sharing of worst case or unbelievable experiences actually do within our groups? There may be some unintended consequences to this activity.

Here Dianne Reese mentions the prevalence of 'one-upmanship' within many groups keeping new members from feeling validated enough to participate. This is obviously not constructive to them or to our groups.

Okay, so we've shared an incredible story. Did we stop to consider how the wording of that story and the responses that follow, might affect new members who don't know us or who may be new to our disease? How did you feel when you were a newbie and ran into posts like this?

If some of the stories within our groups *might* appear to be one-upsmanship, that leaves us as leaders and moderators with a choice - how do we want to handle this type of post?

I would love to hear some of your ideas for options how we can:

A) ...be more mindful of how we tell a story, keeping newbies in mind so our tales don't overwhelm them or read like tales of one-upsmanship.

B) ...respond effectively to these types of posts in a way that makes it okay to be new to the disease/disorder and that it's okay that we're not that seriously sick or injured - we are still an important member with a voice that others want to hear.

C) ...constructively call out these types of posts as the obvious - this is not the typical experience - while maintaining support for the author of said post so they still feel validated, while at the same time looking for a solution to the topic so we can all learn how to deal with that particular subject.

D) Any other ideas?

I sure don't have all the answers and I'm very interested in what other leaders have to say about the subject. Every once in a while as moderators we run into someone who has joined a group just to present themselves as the worst possible circumstance. Perhaps they need attention, perhaps they truly are looking for help. Sometimes they are trolls in sheeps clothing. If we are to be effective leaders, it is not our place to judge them unless they are being destructive to your group's "home" atmostphere, but to look for ways to ease their feelings and incorporate them into the group by talking with them and connecting them with others that might be able to help them deal with their situation. Our job is to guide a multitude of different types of personalities, and sometimes that means to redirect as well. Our job is also to be sure that the group feels like a home and a family to every member.

What are your tips and tricks to prevent one-upsmanship in your community?